Parenting books

So, how do you raise a child who responds with prompt and cheerful (first-time) obedience?  Who speaks respectfully with "yes, ma'am" and "no, sir" and greets guests with a smile and eye contact?  How do you encourage self-discipline and creativity? How do you teach them to think through the consequences of their actions, develop healthy relationships, be confident, secure, forgiving?  How do you introduce them to God?  How do you cultivate a good relationship with them that transitions from parent to friend in adulthood?  How do you create a home of order and wonder?

There are so many different theories on this!  And it's my tendency to look for The Right Way.  All the books have roughly the same goal (virtuous adults), all say that parents will make mistakes, and of course each family / child is different.  But the methods differ so much that I just don't know what to make of it right now.

I just read a book called Parenting with Love and Logic.  It promotes using natural consequences, logical consequences and time-outs (as an extension of a logical consequence.)  I really like the emphasis on letting experience teach the child, and then truly empathizing with his poor choice (if he makes one). That way, the punishment is felt internally, and the kid blames himself (not the parent); he has to take responsibility for his own actions.  You learn by doing, internalizing and thinking!  Very Socratic. I also like the idea of relinquishing control, in gradual degrees, until the kid is a late teen and is capable of making wise choices for himself.

One take-away: give G a choice in her clothes (even if she isn't asking to choose them), ask if she'd rather "carry or wear" her coat to the car, etc.

But, does this approach deal effectively with whining, non-compliance in preschoolers and open defiance?  (Grace really doesn't do these things very often, but they occur occasionally.)  Is it fair to say "I'll get back to you about that," and come up with a consequence later, when it presents itself?  ("I asked you nicely to go to your room and you didn't, so now when you're asking me nicely to go to the zoo, we won't.")  That's the same logic that Kevin Lehman uses in Have a New Kid by Friday, and it just doesn't sit well with me.  (To be fair, I think these authors are suggesting that tactic with an older child.)  Also, I have trouble letting a child make a choice with a logical consequence that would hurt her (ie, "you may be excused, and perhaps the next meal will appeal to you more" and then letting the picky eater go hungry at bedtime.)

This book outlines a good tool for the tool box, and one I maybe should use more often.  But I'll wait to discuss with David to see if it will be one we use right now.

  

Ballerina

Greedy for a Facebook photo of my precious girl in a tutu (there have been a surge of preschool ballerina pics from friends lately, and I wanted to join them!), I found a studio that offered a block of lessons at a reasonable rate. Grace likes to dance, so I thought she would have fun too; it wasn't totally self-serving. :)

Although she was excited to go, she took some time to warm up to the idea once we arrived.  That's okay; I knew she would.  And it was an hour long class, so 20 minutes of watching still left plenty of time to dance.

Then the instructor placed a set of rings on the ground, and the girls practiced leaping over them.  It looked fun enough for Grace to try it, first with me holding her hand, and then solo.

 

Big high fives from the instructor.

Intense concentration

After that, Grace stayed with the other girls (two we didn't know, plus one friend who came with us) and watched the instructor very closely.
 

 

 

I love this picture.  She is so proud.

There was also some free-form dancing, and Grace had big smiles during that time.  (I figured I had already photo-bombed the hour and should stop, so I don't have a shot for that.)

The instructor taught a little routine at the end which included an optional solo for each girl.  They wore a little hat when it was their turn.  Grace wanted to wear the hat, but I'm not sure she knew it meant a spotlight.  The fingers went back into her mouth, she froze, and then ran to me.  Sweet girl.  Later we had a discussion about how it's okay to tell adults no (not Mama and Daddy, but other adults, especially when what they ask makes you uncomfortable).

Our friend Zoe joined us (littlest one, next to Gracie)

After it was over, she said, "Mama, I need a lollipop, because I did a good job." And then, "Mama, let's go out to a restaurant."  She really wanted to celebrate what was a genuine accomplishment. 

I am so proud of her. 

And of course, she got a lollipop.  :)  I like how easy-going the instructor, Rosa, is and that I can stay close and watch.  A pair of ballet shoes are on their way, and we will hunt for a leotard.  It was exhausting and good for us both. 

Weekend in Toronto

 David had a paper to present at the University of Toronto.  We tagged along.  I had hopes of visiting some sights (or vintage shopping), which were dashed about four hours into the trip, when Gracie became ill.  But!  We stayed at a hotel with an playroom, an indoor pool, coin operated laundry, and several dining options.  

This is where I plugged her in, when baby brother needed a morning nap.

After we returned from swimming, we learned our keys were de-magnetized.

On Sunday, we drove home via Niagara Falls!

The kids loved it.

Then we stopped at Pop and Lollies.

The photos aside, the trip really was fun and the kids enjoyed staying in a hotel, eating out and being all together in the car. 

Birthdays

We had a couple of B-days in January. Our little guy turned one, and we had a family party in the living room. He inhaled a cupcake. He rode a horsey. A good time was had by all.

We then celebrated Twelfth Night!

Spanish Kings Cake

King and Queen.  Their daughters wore the crowns.

Our sweet neighbors, who printed off lyrics and led us in carols.

Then it was Mama's B-day. David let me sleep in and then made me breakfast, which he and Gracie carried up to my bed. I read for hours and sipped tea. And then we went to the zoo.

  And then we ate enchiladas and played games with our friends, the McPhersons.

 

 

 

We plugged these cute kids into the TV so we could play Dixit.